Switching Gears

NOTE: DUE TO A CHANGE IN BLOGGER, today's post is not formatting into paragraphs. So, for now it appears as a giant rant. Enjoy! :) Good morning! I feel a need to switch gears, since as of late I've been so consumed by my recent trip to South By Southwest I've considered tattooing SXSW or Kiss Me, I'm Texan. What? Don't I Look It? on a visible body part. This would be considered "out of character" to anybody who knows me, part of the appeal, actually. One of the many effects a week at an indie music festival had on me is a desire to be more bad but in a way that doesn't involve compromising safety or hygiene nor leave me overwhelmed with guilt. I blogged about the post-performance funk I usually feel and how going from performing in the Winter Comedy Fest' to working at SX didn't really phase me but now, I'm feeling that low. I've been back from Austin 10 days already and I'm still listening to the same artists I was obsessed with before I left (the Communion label family, basically), new ones I met (The Big Pink, Santigold, Blood Orange) and ones being recommended to me SX post-mortem (The Rural Alberta Advantage. They're Canadian.) I feel itchy for a new trip. Sitting at a desk all day feels restrictive and I want a bumper sticker which reads "Once you go passionate it's hard to go back to it" because that's what it's like for many creatives with a day job. You taste the joy of doing what you love and then you go back to the way you pay your bills for today. You don't want to seem ungrateful since "Well, come on, you have a job in this economy!" one that affords you a nice place to work and enough money to get by, but, you still feel frustrated. The way to feel better, at least according to my mom and other wise folks, is to have a plan so you feel in control of your destiny. Focus on creating the next opportunity. Being in acceptance with life exactly as it is and oh, to be that wise and peaceful. * I was up late last night reading a paper published by two academics (one from Harvard the other from Case Western) through Dartmouth University in a journal called Psychological Bulletin. Its thesis is that binge eating disorder stems from a desire for the eater to escape self awareness and wow, what a fascinating read. It speaks to binge eating and bulimia specifically but I think it's a great paper for understanding overeating of any variety or really any activity one elects to do in order to "escape" from themselves: Binge eaters suffer from high standards and expectations, especially an acute sensitivity to the diflicuR (perceived) demands of others. When they fall short of these standards, they develop an aversive pattern of high self-awareness, characterized by unflattering views of self and concern over how they are perceived by others. These aversive self-perceptions are accompanied by emotional dis-tress, which often includes anxiety and depression. To escape from this unpleasant state, binge eaters attempt the cognitive response of narrowing attention to the immediate stimulus environ- ment and avoiding broadly meaningful thought. This narrowing of attention disengages normal inhibitions against eating and fosters an uncritical acceptance of irrational beliefs and thoughts. The escape model is capable of integrating much of the available evidence about binge eating. Source: Binge Eating as Escape from Self Awareness, Psychological Bulletin The paper can be read in full by following the Source link. It's a bit old (1990 is the publication date) but nothing about it feels dated at all. If nothing else, it really speaks to a tendency to use food to quell an overactive brain which looks different in a lot of people but can involve just being over analytical, adding more meaning to something than is really there at all or just an excessive self involvement. The antidote to THINKING, thinking, thinking about yourself is BEING, being, being yourself. It's a kind of disengagement and letting go of deconstructions, worries, or planning. I think that's the difference between certain kinds of people. Some may spend a little time in the morning focused on their day and then just go LIVE IT. Others, like the writer (MOI!) get caught in thinking about themselves and their life ALL DAY. It's like, I'll get to that task, I'll get to you, I'll get to paying a bill, I'll get to figuring out dinner AFTER I'm done thinking about how to fix something in my life I've construed as broken or that is, in actuality, in need of a fixin' (just not the kind that will happen at 3pm on a work day). I see clearly that it's not really about taking the next trip, discovering more amazing music, finding the next way to escape the mundane or picking up a new creative gig (not that I'm lacking in this department either with a short film I'm shooting in less than a month), though all of those things would be gratifying and good for my soul. It's really more about disarmament. Disarmament (did I spell that right?) of my over-active, break it down brain, which I love and won't judge today but that gives me a bit of a headache and makes me want to eat something sweet to silence its chatter. My dreams instead of ice cream, that's all I'm saying. Off to meet with my now trainer before work! Have a beautiful day. Best, L